Having Autism
I was diagnosed with autism at the age of 47. I have high functioning autism, that is, it is not severe. It is so mild in appearance actually that almost no one in my life saw that I had autism for 47 years!
Feeling Different
As long as I can remember I felt a little different from everybody else. Not that I didn't like myself. I have always had rather sound self-esteem, actually. But I noticed I just didn't feel like the things I thought and the things I said and experienced quite matched what others said and expressed.
There was always this disconnect. Sometimes it was uncomfortable. Sometimes it wasn't.
I learned early on as a child that I could "mask," which is what people in the autistic community call it when a person tries to blend in with others who are not autistic by mimicking them, saying what they think will be acceptable or gain them acceptance, and generally keep their "different" nature a little bit less noticeable. This is done as children in order to try to feel accepted by peers and those around the child.
I certainly did this. But I didn't know it was abnormal, or unusual. It turns out that its not abnormal at all considering I was throughout my entire childhood high-functioning autistic and no one knew it.
I stepped cautiously, you might say, when it came to what I said. I would sometimes get these responses from people from what I said - responses which were unexpected and uncomfortable for me, and inwardly I would think "ok, what did I say wrong?" and I wouldn't be able to figure it out. These responses from others which were sometimes uncomfortable for me were simply non-autistic peers' reactions to my "unusual" thoughts. It was hurtful to be misunderstood and to not know how to be understood. I know my peers usually didn't mean any harm. But since it was sometimes hurtful to me and often confusing, the pattern of being often misunderstood and misinterpreted caused me to continue to "mask" my different nature to blend in.
Embracing Being Different
Now that I've been diagnosed autistic at the age of 47 so much of my life makes more sense. I understand now why I feel different from most other people. I feel different because I am different. I literally am different. But that's not bad. Having autism isn't bad. Its actually a part of the normal range of human variety, such as being tall or having very thick hair, or having a lot of freckles.
Some people theorize that high-functioning autism is sort of evolutionarily a benefit to the human race because those who have it, like myself, think differently and notice things that are different from most other people. This makes us able to see things others don't see, in a matter of speaking. We have ideas which are different from others; back in Stone Age times high-functioning autistics might have noticed patterns in the tribe or environment which were very helpful to everyone in their survival which no one else noticed. We think differently and so we notice different aspects of life, different things about a topic, and the things we say are seen as "unusual" sometimes to other people. But the truth is these "unusual" insights are often quite helpful and interesting to those willing to listen.
I could list a long list of names of famous people with high-functioning autism, but I don't need to do that here. I will say that there are very famous people who have come out as being on the spectrum and they are some of the best actors, actresses, entertainers, business people, and creative entrepreneurs in the world.
Not to mention there are plenty of high-functioning autistic people out in the world who are not famous but who make the world a better place just by being very interesting people. They tend to be a little eccentric, colorful, slightly unusual, often a bit unfiltered with their unique thoughts; they are well worth knowing and talking to. And they really do help make the human world a more colorful and interesting place.
I am proud to have high-functioning autism. And I bring my unique and unusual perspective to my tarot readings just as I do every area of my life.
